Jinxed

I knew I jinxed myself...the minute I thought it--I knew. So you're wondering what that thought was, hmmm? You would, wouldn't you? So I'll tell you...I thought to myself, "God, my kids have been so well behaved and fun lately!"

I know, I know...why did I even say it??? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?! So this week, about Wedensday is when it all started to happen. The whining, the crying, the screaming, the mean words. And I'm just talking about the boy. Two weeks ago, my spunky little daughter was having a rough week, but I chalked that up to her having real responsibilities now that school has started. She has a REASON to be a little over stimulated.

The Boy. Does. Not. So I'm praying and praying (and begging) that the boy has a better week next week. After today I may just order a case of wine, have it delivered and enjoy it until I can no longer enjoy it...yep, it's been that kind of day/week.

So here's my advice moms: When your children are behaving perfectly, listening, laughing, enjoying life....just let them be. Let them enjoy and DON'T SAY A WORD. Just sit back with your coffee, iced tea, diet pepsi (or whatever beverage you like) grab your book, magazine, iphone, ipad (or whatever brainless device you may like) and ENJOY IT. It never lasts too long:).

PS,~ I love my kids, by the way, and wouldn't have it any other way~

Pee and lots of dirt... Sassiness and lots of questions: LOVING IT

So I'm on week 3 of this new adventure of mine. It's funny how life can change in an instant. I have cleaned up so much dirt I can hardly stand it. I'm ready to just jack hammer my kitchen floor and leave the foundation-hey it wouldn't look much different! The bathroom smells like a combination of pee and that yucky boy smell when they are sweaty. Not only do I have my boy here, I also have a few neighbor boys here too (although I know mine is the culprit for the pee). So many times I have heard mom's of boys ask "Why can't boys AIM when they pee?" Oh they know how to AIM all right!!! They are AIMING for the wall--or the beautiful vase filled with hand picked sea shells your daughter gathered her first summer with her great-grandmother...THEY KNOW HOW TO AIM, trust me. It's completely intentional. I bath him and two minutes later he has toothpaste rubbed all over his tummy..."Mommy I made a happy face!" I feel like I should have lost 10 pounds just by doing the damn "bend and snap" cleaning up after this kid.

Now, the girl, is complicated. She's almost a contradiction by definition. She loves to hang out and "chat" with her friends on her fake cell phone her auntie bought her. She looks at herself in the mirror constantly and brushes her hair. She loves to put skirts on and sparkly tank tops. She loves bikinis. She loves Justin Beiber. But, she still chooses to play with the boys, riding bikes and seeing who can yell the loudest. She will watch Bakugan and Zeke and Luther. She will be the first to start the burping contest. She eats hamburgers like a man. She just takes a few minutes a day to be a girl...secretly in her room or in the car with mom. The car, I have found is where all the questions come out and this 7-year-old has A LOT of them!!!

How have I let the past 4 years slip right by? I keep asking myself that over and over...The biggest realization I am having is that I did it to myself. I chose not to take advantage of these moments. It's not that I didn't have the chance before to enjoy them. It's that I let everything else become a priority.  This happened in my life to remind me to slow down. We won't get these years back. I hope hearing this reminds you to slow down too. No matter your schedule or situation, please just take a minute to enjoy every step of the way...You deserve it.

Here's to new beginnings...

So today I began my journey... So many emotions are going through my head right now. I am happy, but also in awe of the fact that I have to opportunity to be at home more. I have worked so much during the past 7 years. I barely took breaks on maternity leaves and I rarely took vacations. I always had work in the back of my mind and now the stress of my past is lifted. I can focus on the important things in life like making my family happy and having a minute to myself. I will still be working, but it won't consume me. It won't put me on edge. It won't take over my world. I look forward to going to sleep, knowing that I can wake up tomorrow and it will be ok.

I am thinking of all I can write about now. I am so excited for this new life...

Change...

"Only I can change my life, No one can do it for me"-Carol Burnett

I am making a huge change in my life. It's funny how you just wake up one day and decide "I'm unhappy." Some people just go on about their day and "deal with it." I, on the otherhand, cannot deal with being unhappy. I thrive on happiness. So I woke up one morning and decided I was going to change my path once again.

I have been working as an Assistant Director for a pre school for almost 4 years. In the beginning, I was challenged and in a mode..."You can change the world, Autumn. You can fix things." I spent countless hours fixing the pre school, working my butt off, giving every minute of my time to my job. A few months ago, I woke up from the coma I had been in and realized, I am miserable. This is not what my life was supposed to be. I am done. You see I tried to change the world I was in and I realized I hadn't changed a thing, but that world had changed me. I am not the vibrant happy woman people once knew.  I am letting myself down. I once put my children and my husband before anything. I once put myself first. I no longer put anything before my job. My job has to come first. That is when I decided it wasn't for me anymore.

So I am taking a chance...A scary one at that, but it's now or never. It's up to me. i am leaving my safe corporate job and miving on to my next adventure. I will work less, spend more time with my family and have no regrets.

"Things do not change, We change." Henry David Thoreau

This has been a long month...

I am so frustrated. Today I went to pick Cole up from school and when I asked his teacher how his day was, she said,"I don't know Autumn, I don't know what to say anymore. He can't listen, I sent him to Ms. Sara's class. I don't know what he needs."

What do you mean? You don't know what to say? You don't know what he needs. How about.."He had a great morning, but mid day he was a big challenge. We tried to get him on the right track, but he did (fill in the blank)." "So I sent him to ___________'s class so him and I could have a break."

I just don't understand people anymore. When I taught pre school I had a lot of challenging kids. I know Cole is a big challenge, but really? Is it truly THAT bad? Then kick him out of pre school. Tell me you can't handle him and you are done. Save us both the negativity.

I am sorry I have no stories to tell today to make you laugh. I am irritated. Fed up. Frustrated.

I am Cole's mother and I know-in a pre school teacher's mind- that he is a handful. But I also know that I would never say to a parent "I dont know what to say anymore."

What a day.

I am done. Goodnight.

My mom lost her best friend today...

My mom lost her best friend today...

My mom and I have been through a lot. We have battled bad men, bad friends and bad luck. We moved to California in 1986 and it was the best decision a mother of an adolescent could have made. She removed me from all of the drama and all of the heartache. We started a new life. I began my new journey in California as a wide-eyed 3rd grader looking for friends and confidence. As I was looking for anything a normal adolescent was looking for, my mom was looking for an outlet. Together, We found horses. It was what we had. It was what we lived for. We found Midnight. A gorgeous thoroughbred with a heart worth more than gold. Most of the memories I have are of Midnight. He was my saving grace. I took care of him, I rode him with confidence. He was everything to me. While girls my age were calling their friends discussing "Saved By The Bell" I spent my days grooming, riding, mucking stalls, chasing barn cats, and dreaming of  the day I was going to have my own horse. To think the life we were living was ever going to end was a joke. It was supposed to last forever. I remember the day my mom told me Midnight was too sick to live. I didn't believe her. We tried to keep Midnight alive, we tried everything, but everything didn't work.

My best friend, Julia, was there. I remember her talking about silly things that mattered at the time and all I could think of was that...Midnight was going to die today. We were sitting on this a white barn fence in this beautiful pasture. My mom told me "breathe, don't look back." Then everything seemed like a movie.

I looked back.

Julia screamed.

Midnight fell to the ground.

I was running,  a little girl with muck boots on and a messy jacket. Running to her horse.

"Don't DIE MIDNIGHT" "YOU CAN'T DIE MIDNIGHT"

and his beautiful eyes looked into mine...sealing any question I ever had, "It's OK, my girl." "I am OK...let me rest"

and so I did.

I gave up horses from that day on.

Allie was a gift from my Aunt to my Mom. This is how "horse people" communicate.
I will give you a horse for your grieving. And it worked. My mom was so happy. I could not give in though. I was done with horses. DONE. I loved Midnight and that was it.

It's almost as though I resisted Allie like the plague. She wasn't Midnight.

She was high strung, she snorted at me, she HATED me. I almost felt like I was competing with her (Isn't that absolutely ridiculous).

Stella took such good care of her. After a few years at a horrible stable, Stella found an amazing trainer in Gina. Gina helped my mom and gave her all of the tools she needed to make Allie the horse she was meant to be. My Kendall, at 2 years old, believed Allie was HER horse. She didn't care that she was big and hated thunderstorms...Kendall never minded that Allie bucked when she was "in a bad mood" or gave "attitude" when she felt uncomfortable.ll of those things were what scared me as a teenager.  I think Kendall has a true understanding of horses that surpasses others. Kendall truly understood Allie.

Today I had to tell Kendall that Allie went to Heaven.
But the most amazing thing happened. I thought Kendall would scream at me and run away. Instead, she looked at me and said..."When did it happen?" I told her. "Is Mimi ok?" "Yes" I said. And we hugged. She started to cry that horrible sad cry that no mommy wants to hear...I say"Are you OK?"

"Yes Mommy, I know she's in heaven, but it's really hard right now... Can I just cry?"

"Of Course you can Kendall."

I have given birth to the most amazing girl in the world.

Worst Part...

The worst part about it is that I know what I am doing. I was a pre school teacher, a school age teacher, a middle school intern...I have seen it all, but everything I learned in school-it doesn't work. I feel like a failure sometimes. 

Cole is having the most fabulous time in his new school. He is learning and loving all of his teachers. He is turning into a big boy right before our eyes...with one exception. HE STILL (every now and again) POOPS HIS FLIPPIN' (yeah, I said it) PANTS!!!!!!

This is so embarassing to admit.

He is lazy, flat out lazy too. I have potty trained a million two year olds in the Tri State and East County. I have never come across a challenge like this, and with all of the people I know, NO ONE HAS DEALT WITH THIS EITHER!!! I have tried and tried to justify it, but nothing makes sense. He cries when I catch him, yelling "I don't want to poop my pants"....and I say "Then why do you do it" ... he says, "Because I do." What do you mean by that???? No S%!# Sherlock, I know you do. I am the one that has to clean it up. When I catch him, it's fabulous because he gets to the potty and is so proud of himself that he made it in the potty (and I am relieved I caught him). But no one else pays attention like a mommy does. Even Jason.

I guess I just feel alone in this battle with Cole. He makes me so angry, SO ANGRY. But I love him so much and I don't want him to ever think any different. I want to discipline him because I don't want him to think he can disrespect me, or women. But then when it comes down to it, Jason is the only one that can really get to him. I think that is what makes me so upset too. I guess I'll never understand.

Men have ALWAYS confused me and while I do have an almost perfect husband, I met my match with my Cole...it's like I gave birth to all of my ex boyfriends wrapped up into one little leprechaun of a kid.