My mom lost her best friend today...

My mom lost her best friend today...

My mom and I have been through a lot. We have battled bad men, bad friends and bad luck. We moved to California in 1986 and it was the best decision a mother of an adolescent could have made. She removed me from all of the drama and all of the heartache. We started a new life. I began my new journey in California as a wide-eyed 3rd grader looking for friends and confidence. As I was looking for anything a normal adolescent was looking for, my mom was looking for an outlet. Together, We found horses. It was what we had. It was what we lived for. We found Midnight. A gorgeous thoroughbred with a heart worth more than gold. Most of the memories I have are of Midnight. He was my saving grace. I took care of him, I rode him with confidence. He was everything to me. While girls my age were calling their friends discussing "Saved By The Bell" I spent my days grooming, riding, mucking stalls, chasing barn cats, and dreaming of  the day I was going to have my own horse. To think the life we were living was ever going to end was a joke. It was supposed to last forever. I remember the day my mom told me Midnight was too sick to live. I didn't believe her. We tried to keep Midnight alive, we tried everything, but everything didn't work.

My best friend, Julia, was there. I remember her talking about silly things that mattered at the time and all I could think of was that...Midnight was going to die today. We were sitting on this a white barn fence in this beautiful pasture. My mom told me "breathe, don't look back." Then everything seemed like a movie.

I looked back.

Julia screamed.

Midnight fell to the ground.

I was running,  a little girl with muck boots on and a messy jacket. Running to her horse.

"Don't DIE MIDNIGHT" "YOU CAN'T DIE MIDNIGHT"

and his beautiful eyes looked into mine...sealing any question I ever had, "It's OK, my girl." "I am OK...let me rest"

and so I did.

I gave up horses from that day on.

Allie was a gift from my Aunt to my Mom. This is how "horse people" communicate.
I will give you a horse for your grieving. And it worked. My mom was so happy. I could not give in though. I was done with horses. DONE. I loved Midnight and that was it.

It's almost as though I resisted Allie like the plague. She wasn't Midnight.

She was high strung, she snorted at me, she HATED me. I almost felt like I was competing with her (Isn't that absolutely ridiculous).

Stella took such good care of her. After a few years at a horrible stable, Stella found an amazing trainer in Gina. Gina helped my mom and gave her all of the tools she needed to make Allie the horse she was meant to be. My Kendall, at 2 years old, believed Allie was HER horse. She didn't care that she was big and hated thunderstorms...Kendall never minded that Allie bucked when she was "in a bad mood" or gave "attitude" when she felt uncomfortable.ll of those things were what scared me as a teenager.  I think Kendall has a true understanding of horses that surpasses others. Kendall truly understood Allie.

Today I had to tell Kendall that Allie went to Heaven.
But the most amazing thing happened. I thought Kendall would scream at me and run away. Instead, she looked at me and said..."When did it happen?" I told her. "Is Mimi ok?" "Yes" I said. And we hugged. She started to cry that horrible sad cry that no mommy wants to hear...I say"Are you OK?"

"Yes Mommy, I know she's in heaven, but it's really hard right now... Can I just cry?"

"Of Course you can Kendall."

I have given birth to the most amazing girl in the world.