Jinxed

I knew I jinxed myself...the minute I thought it--I knew. So you're wondering what that thought was, hmmm? You would, wouldn't you? So I'll tell you...I thought to myself, "God, my kids have been so well behaved and fun lately!"

I know, I know...why did I even say it??? WHYYYYYYYY?!?!?! So this week, about Wedensday is when it all started to happen. The whining, the crying, the screaming, the mean words. And I'm just talking about the boy. Two weeks ago, my spunky little daughter was having a rough week, but I chalked that up to her having real responsibilities now that school has started. She has a REASON to be a little over stimulated.

The Boy. Does. Not. So I'm praying and praying (and begging) that the boy has a better week next week. After today I may just order a case of wine, have it delivered and enjoy it until I can no longer enjoy it...yep, it's been that kind of day/week.

So here's my advice moms: When your children are behaving perfectly, listening, laughing, enjoying life....just let them be. Let them enjoy and DON'T SAY A WORD. Just sit back with your coffee, iced tea, diet pepsi (or whatever beverage you like) grab your book, magazine, iphone, ipad (or whatever brainless device you may like) and ENJOY IT. It never lasts too long:).

PS,~ I love my kids, by the way, and wouldn't have it any other way~

Pee and lots of dirt... Sassiness and lots of questions: LOVING IT

So I'm on week 3 of this new adventure of mine. It's funny how life can change in an instant. I have cleaned up so much dirt I can hardly stand it. I'm ready to just jack hammer my kitchen floor and leave the foundation-hey it wouldn't look much different! The bathroom smells like a combination of pee and that yucky boy smell when they are sweaty. Not only do I have my boy here, I also have a few neighbor boys here too (although I know mine is the culprit for the pee). So many times I have heard mom's of boys ask "Why can't boys AIM when they pee?" Oh they know how to AIM all right!!! They are AIMING for the wall--or the beautiful vase filled with hand picked sea shells your daughter gathered her first summer with her great-grandmother...THEY KNOW HOW TO AIM, trust me. It's completely intentional. I bath him and two minutes later he has toothpaste rubbed all over his tummy..."Mommy I made a happy face!" I feel like I should have lost 10 pounds just by doing the damn "bend and snap" cleaning up after this kid.

Now, the girl, is complicated. She's almost a contradiction by definition. She loves to hang out and "chat" with her friends on her fake cell phone her auntie bought her. She looks at herself in the mirror constantly and brushes her hair. She loves to put skirts on and sparkly tank tops. She loves bikinis. She loves Justin Beiber. But, she still chooses to play with the boys, riding bikes and seeing who can yell the loudest. She will watch Bakugan and Zeke and Luther. She will be the first to start the burping contest. She eats hamburgers like a man. She just takes a few minutes a day to be a girl...secretly in her room or in the car with mom. The car, I have found is where all the questions come out and this 7-year-old has A LOT of them!!!

How have I let the past 4 years slip right by? I keep asking myself that over and over...The biggest realization I am having is that I did it to myself. I chose not to take advantage of these moments. It's not that I didn't have the chance before to enjoy them. It's that I let everything else become a priority.  This happened in my life to remind me to slow down. We won't get these years back. I hope hearing this reminds you to slow down too. No matter your schedule or situation, please just take a minute to enjoy every step of the way...You deserve it.

Here's to new beginnings...

So today I began my journey... So many emotions are going through my head right now. I am happy, but also in awe of the fact that I have to opportunity to be at home more. I have worked so much during the past 7 years. I barely took breaks on maternity leaves and I rarely took vacations. I always had work in the back of my mind and now the stress of my past is lifted. I can focus on the important things in life like making my family happy and having a minute to myself. I will still be working, but it won't consume me. It won't put me on edge. It won't take over my world. I look forward to going to sleep, knowing that I can wake up tomorrow and it will be ok.

I am thinking of all I can write about now. I am so excited for this new life...

Change...

"Only I can change my life, No one can do it for me"-Carol Burnett

I am making a huge change in my life. It's funny how you just wake up one day and decide "I'm unhappy." Some people just go on about their day and "deal with it." I, on the otherhand, cannot deal with being unhappy. I thrive on happiness. So I woke up one morning and decided I was going to change my path once again.

I have been working as an Assistant Director for a pre school for almost 4 years. In the beginning, I was challenged and in a mode..."You can change the world, Autumn. You can fix things." I spent countless hours fixing the pre school, working my butt off, giving every minute of my time to my job. A few months ago, I woke up from the coma I had been in and realized, I am miserable. This is not what my life was supposed to be. I am done. You see I tried to change the world I was in and I realized I hadn't changed a thing, but that world had changed me. I am not the vibrant happy woman people once knew.  I am letting myself down. I once put my children and my husband before anything. I once put myself first. I no longer put anything before my job. My job has to come first. That is when I decided it wasn't for me anymore.

So I am taking a chance...A scary one at that, but it's now or never. It's up to me. i am leaving my safe corporate job and miving on to my next adventure. I will work less, spend more time with my family and have no regrets.

"Things do not change, We change." Henry David Thoreau

This has been a long month...

I am so frustrated. Today I went to pick Cole up from school and when I asked his teacher how his day was, she said,"I don't know Autumn, I don't know what to say anymore. He can't listen, I sent him to Ms. Sara's class. I don't know what he needs."

What do you mean? You don't know what to say? You don't know what he needs. How about.."He had a great morning, but mid day he was a big challenge. We tried to get him on the right track, but he did (fill in the blank)." "So I sent him to ___________'s class so him and I could have a break."

I just don't understand people anymore. When I taught pre school I had a lot of challenging kids. I know Cole is a big challenge, but really? Is it truly THAT bad? Then kick him out of pre school. Tell me you can't handle him and you are done. Save us both the negativity.

I am sorry I have no stories to tell today to make you laugh. I am irritated. Fed up. Frustrated.

I am Cole's mother and I know-in a pre school teacher's mind- that he is a handful. But I also know that I would never say to a parent "I dont know what to say anymore."

What a day.

I am done. Goodnight.

My mom lost her best friend today...

My mom lost her best friend today...

My mom and I have been through a lot. We have battled bad men, bad friends and bad luck. We moved to California in 1986 and it was the best decision a mother of an adolescent could have made. She removed me from all of the drama and all of the heartache. We started a new life. I began my new journey in California as a wide-eyed 3rd grader looking for friends and confidence. As I was looking for anything a normal adolescent was looking for, my mom was looking for an outlet. Together, We found horses. It was what we had. It was what we lived for. We found Midnight. A gorgeous thoroughbred with a heart worth more than gold. Most of the memories I have are of Midnight. He was my saving grace. I took care of him, I rode him with confidence. He was everything to me. While girls my age were calling their friends discussing "Saved By The Bell" I spent my days grooming, riding, mucking stalls, chasing barn cats, and dreaming of  the day I was going to have my own horse. To think the life we were living was ever going to end was a joke. It was supposed to last forever. I remember the day my mom told me Midnight was too sick to live. I didn't believe her. We tried to keep Midnight alive, we tried everything, but everything didn't work.

My best friend, Julia, was there. I remember her talking about silly things that mattered at the time and all I could think of was that...Midnight was going to die today. We were sitting on this a white barn fence in this beautiful pasture. My mom told me "breathe, don't look back." Then everything seemed like a movie.

I looked back.

Julia screamed.

Midnight fell to the ground.

I was running,  a little girl with muck boots on and a messy jacket. Running to her horse.

"Don't DIE MIDNIGHT" "YOU CAN'T DIE MIDNIGHT"

and his beautiful eyes looked into mine...sealing any question I ever had, "It's OK, my girl." "I am OK...let me rest"

and so I did.

I gave up horses from that day on.

Allie was a gift from my Aunt to my Mom. This is how "horse people" communicate.
I will give you a horse for your grieving. And it worked. My mom was so happy. I could not give in though. I was done with horses. DONE. I loved Midnight and that was it.

It's almost as though I resisted Allie like the plague. She wasn't Midnight.

She was high strung, she snorted at me, she HATED me. I almost felt like I was competing with her (Isn't that absolutely ridiculous).

Stella took such good care of her. After a few years at a horrible stable, Stella found an amazing trainer in Gina. Gina helped my mom and gave her all of the tools she needed to make Allie the horse she was meant to be. My Kendall, at 2 years old, believed Allie was HER horse. She didn't care that she was big and hated thunderstorms...Kendall never minded that Allie bucked when she was "in a bad mood" or gave "attitude" when she felt uncomfortable.ll of those things were what scared me as a teenager.  I think Kendall has a true understanding of horses that surpasses others. Kendall truly understood Allie.

Today I had to tell Kendall that Allie went to Heaven.
But the most amazing thing happened. I thought Kendall would scream at me and run away. Instead, she looked at me and said..."When did it happen?" I told her. "Is Mimi ok?" "Yes" I said. And we hugged. She started to cry that horrible sad cry that no mommy wants to hear...I say"Are you OK?"

"Yes Mommy, I know she's in heaven, but it's really hard right now... Can I just cry?"

"Of Course you can Kendall."

I have given birth to the most amazing girl in the world.

Worst Part...

The worst part about it is that I know what I am doing. I was a pre school teacher, a school age teacher, a middle school intern...I have seen it all, but everything I learned in school-it doesn't work. I feel like a failure sometimes. 

Cole is having the most fabulous time in his new school. He is learning and loving all of his teachers. He is turning into a big boy right before our eyes...with one exception. HE STILL (every now and again) POOPS HIS FLIPPIN' (yeah, I said it) PANTS!!!!!!

This is so embarassing to admit.

He is lazy, flat out lazy too. I have potty trained a million two year olds in the Tri State and East County. I have never come across a challenge like this, and with all of the people I know, NO ONE HAS DEALT WITH THIS EITHER!!! I have tried and tried to justify it, but nothing makes sense. He cries when I catch him, yelling "I don't want to poop my pants"....and I say "Then why do you do it" ... he says, "Because I do." What do you mean by that???? No S%!# Sherlock, I know you do. I am the one that has to clean it up. When I catch him, it's fabulous because he gets to the potty and is so proud of himself that he made it in the potty (and I am relieved I caught him). But no one else pays attention like a mommy does. Even Jason.

I guess I just feel alone in this battle with Cole. He makes me so angry, SO ANGRY. But I love him so much and I don't want him to ever think any different. I want to discipline him because I don't want him to think he can disrespect me, or women. But then when it comes down to it, Jason is the only one that can really get to him. I think that is what makes me so upset too. I guess I'll never understand.

Men have ALWAYS confused me and while I do have an almost perfect husband, I met my match with my Cole...it's like I gave birth to all of my ex boyfriends wrapped up into one little leprechaun of a kid.

bugs

Leave it to the little girl...

So Kendall went to the barn this weekend with Mimi, as she does many weekends, to ride her pony and have free time. She spent a huge chunk of her day out there coming home after it was dark. She came in and Mimi said she had been scratching her head a lot. Ugh. So I ran up to her room before she had time to touch anything and brought her into the bathroom...I flipped her head over and started checking for ANYTHING. I saw a bug, and I SWORE it was a tick. I am telling my mom to "google" (isn't it funny that we go directly to Google now) how to remove ticks. I get my tweezers and I start digging into my screaming little girl's neck trying to remove the "tick" (Greatest mommy moment EVER). I'm digging and digging. I get a safety pin and try to get it out that way...so I start digging into Kendall's skin with a safety pin...AWESOME. I am telling my mom "I can't get it out, what is going on?" We then realize, it might not be a tick. I can't find a body. Kendall screams "SO YOU ARE HURTING ME FOR NO REASON????"

My mom mentions that Kendall's little pony has had louse (a horse form of lice) before and she did lay her head back on him while she was riding him. We google "Louse" and I turn my attention to her hair, which is as thick as molasses, and I start combing through it. Some louse are biting louse, which explains the bump I thought was a tick. I found about 5 "louse" (yuck) and picked them out, gagging the whole way because I HATE bugs in multiples. Then I coat her hair in mayonnaise to get anything else out (tip: mayonnaise is used to remove lice and their eggs from hair-so I thought it was an appropriate precaution to take in this case). Luckily they don't thrive on humans so they were easily removable. After all of the chaos, I strip her clothes off, throw her in the shower, throw her clothes and towels in the washer and take a deep breath! Kendall comes downstairs and what does she say to her dad? "Mommy made be bleed for no reason daddy!!!"

So lesson learned? Yes. Do NOT start poking into your poor daughters skin unless you know for sure what a tick looks like.

Amazing

Amaizingly enough the boy had a fabulous day at school today...no stories to report. Sorry friends, that's all I've got.

First Blog, First Day

I have never considered a blog...but as I sat in my office at work today with so much on my mind, I realized that in the past, during the hardest times in my life, I wrote. I wrote and I wrote. And I always felt better. As I go through another tough spell I have been wondering what was missing, maybe it's this.


My son was born on 3/17/07, 7lbs 13oz, yep a St. Patty's Day baby born with a lot of lucky numbers as his stats. I truly gave birth to a little leprechaun. He is my second child. My daughter was 2 1/2 when he was born. She is witty, energetic, talkative, dramatic, smart as a pistol, and gorgeous. While during her terrible two's/three's I believed her to be "difficult" I look back now and want to SLAP myself. She threw fits, yes she did...but they ENDED. Her terrible times lasted 2 YEARS. She does have an occasional uproar every now and then, and it can be painful, but for the most part she is a joy to be around and a really easy kid.


Now, back to the boy. Many mothers have battle stories and we love to talk about them over coffee-well, let's be honest I discuss them over wine- and we compare our stories to our friends' stories. We laugh and feel good that we're not "the only ones." Well when I leave and go home and think about the story I shared that night, I always think to myself "Why did my story seem to stand out?" "Why are my friends always so shocked?" Three, almost four years later I know why...because my stories are shocking, and unbelievable.


I wanted to start this blog to make people laugh, but to also give other mothers a sense that they are not the only ones. We all have our challenges, whether they be daily, weekly, or occasionally. We also love our kids unconditionally. I have spent the last year asking "Why Me" and praying my son changes, but the truth is, I am not sure I want everything to change. I would like to teach him what behaviors are appropriate and how to get positive attention rather than negative...but his spark is amazing. I love who he is. I accept his behaviors and I cannot blame myself anymore.


Often times, we see our children as a reflection of ourselves, but they are who they are. It is our job to help them find that person and help them become great. If we spend all of our time trying to change them, all energy will be lost. I am no expert as I still break down almost everyday, but I do know A LOT about humility and what didn't work the first time. And I will always admit my mistakes only to celebrate LOUDLY when I am finally right!


that intro was very long...but I had to explain myself


DAY ONE- The New Pre School


He started a new Pre School today, the other one did everything they could, but it was just time to give them a break and make a change. He started there when he was just a baby and picked up some bad habits on the way (by no fault of his most recent teachers though). Last year we went to Hell and back with his behavior and he changed completely, positively. I was not ready to put them through this again. I do not want him spending his pre school years always in trouble. It was time for a change. 


Let me rewind to just 6 days ago...

He got mad because he didn't want to nap so he decided to take his shoes off and throw them across the room. He took all of the toys off of the shelf and dumped them on the floor. He then began to get off of his mat refusing to lay down. The director went in to calm him down and eventally he went to sleep. When I picked him up his teacher told me that she had taken away the superhero costume he was wearing because of his behavior. He wanted to take it home. I told him we had to follow what his teacher said. He threw the fit of all fits so I had to carry him out the front door, wrestle him in his car seat and drive home. During the car ride he attempted to take his seat belt off, and attempted stripping most of the clothes he could manage off. He screamed all the way home and finally when we got home, I asked him to walk in on his own two feet. He refused. So I sat there staring at him in the garage. He took off all of his clothes and then started screaming because he was cold. I asked him to walk inside. He refused. Before I could blink he started PEEING on the garage floor. PEEING. I was in shock. I stared at him. Clinching my teeth I said very firmly..."GO UPSTAIRS NOWWWWWWW" He walked upstairs, crying butt naked.

I am hoping a praying this works out. T minus 2 YEARS to KINDERGARTEN...not much time! He started his day by asking me "Mommy am I going to be bad at my new school?" ... I said, "no you are going to be great and you are going to try" he said "I want to make good friends" I said, "That is a great idea!" It took me 5 minutes to get him in the car (He wanted to ride his bike, we had no time) and then when he was finally in the car he had to pee and I was SO not letting him pee in my car so I let him go. Then we were off...New School here we come!  His new teacher, let's just call her Miss D, had just returned from a two week vacation...welcome back!!! My daughter had her for pre school as well, so I know her style. She is firm, but fun and loving. He had a nice morning, enjoyed play time and his new friends but then came nap time. He did his usual dramatic plea to get out of napping "I'M HOT" "I'M COLD" "I'M NOT TIRED" "I'M TIRED" "DON'T TOUCH ME" "RUB MY BACK PLEASE!!!!" So Miss D had to call in back up and eventually he went to sleep. When I came to pick him up, she looked exhausted, but we talked and we came up with a plan, so I hope it works.


We got home and he told his daddy he loves his new school and he likes his new friends...that's a start.


And tomorrow is another day, STAY TUNED...